Poopalipoop

Essay won’t write itself.  Can’t think straight.  But at least I’m laughing about it all.

Degus aren’t talking to me.  Ran out of Timothy Hay (took a while to get to that name, via douglas, anthony, michael etc).  Sweet Meadow Hay was offered – they turn their noses up, the little snobby, snobbish, silly billies.

Asked for extension,given mood and time off and whatnot.  Never heard back.  Essay due in Tuesday,  and I have no where near finished it.  Just can’t concentrate to get any of it done today.  Managed about 250 words (essay is 5000) (try typing that when you can’t think straight ended up at 50000 which I’d never want to write…)  Managed to get going for about an hour that is all.  Just can’t get my thoughts to concentrate on it – am enjoying playing the sims though.

Bought new phone too.  Hopefully arrive tuesday – since I don’t have to go in (electronic submission of essay doncha know).  Also awaiting express delivery of Timothy Hay – I wonder if the degus know that they are spoiled.  Little, expectant wibbly-wobbly-woos.

Been a bit up, recently, except when I’ve been down.  Not all great though.  Still suffering with the angry, angtsy, anger aarghgs.  Much cutting et al to sort that out.  Although everybody thinks I’m feeling great since I’m giggling at everything.  Stabbed a napkin to death at dinner last night.  Also had a slight accidenty with a knife – mhmm whoopsies – OK now though.  Phone isn’t an iphone, so I’ll still be the odd one out at the “office” – ah well.  Not paying the premiums, refuse to pay the premiums, give it a while and the price will come right down.  ’Tis the jew in me see.

Also bought the degus a litter box – see how hopeful I am that they can be turned into responsible degu-y citizens.

Interesting can drink large quantities of alcofrol and not have mood dinted.  This is good.   This is very good.

Watching robots at mo.  Going to go back to playing Sims 2 and write off today for essay writing.  If I fail, I fail.  Hardly my fault, they said I could have an extension, and I’m still waiting to here.  Can’t take the stress.  Don’t see why I should have to after I was promised.

Plus have placement tomorrow, so will need an early night.

The world is alive

Even below its concrete prison, despite the cold winter.  I can see the trees growing.  Everything is connected and alive.

It’s just not fair…

Went to a conference last week.  All about recovery and peer support workers and how awesome it is to have mental people working in mental healthcare.  How recovery was possible.  How forward thinking and awesome mental health services could be.  Twas good and I met some rather important people in the field, oh the names I could drop if it wouldn’t incriminate me…  Now at the end of the conference somebody felt the need to bring in a health dose of realism – “it might be acceptable in this room, but there’s a little thing called the real world out there which isn’t so understanding or forward thinking.”

Spoke to my tutor today.  Needed her to write a letter of support/reference for the place I want to do my elective.  She hasn’t completely refused, but she hasn’t agreed to either.  Apparently I’m too mental (or words to that effect).  Now given that I’d originally been considering going abroad and she hadn’t told me not to bother looking into it, I think it is a little unfair for her to now say that I have to stay within the local area.  It’s a bit late now, when the forms were supposed to be in last week, when everybody else has already arranged theirs and there aren’t many places in “the local area” that I could now arrange to go.  Not to mention the fact that I was hoping to get away for a bit, maybe with a view of moving permanently once I qualify.  Besides it’s not like I was planning on going to deepest,darkest peru – I was staying within the UK, and they have mental health services where I’m going (and family-in-laws, with free board and lodgings).

She kept going on about how, if I was local she could call the placement facilitator quite easily if she was worried.  Pointing out that she couldn’t since she’d never managed to gain my consent for that one didn’t really dampen her enthusiasm.  And so ended up back with the whole “you have to tell everyone you’re mental, that way they can keep an eye on you” conversation.  This annoys me for a number of reasons.  Even Occy Health said I shouldn’t bother discussing my issues with placements since past experience says it’s never that helpful.  It’s not like they can do anything anyway at the end of the day either I can do the job or I can’t, and if I can’t then I shouldn’t be there.  I don’t know what she thinks will change if I tell anyone my Dx (other than any associated discrimination).  Besides I qualify in less than a year and if I tell them now, it may affect my chances of future employment, personally I’d rather get a job before I drop that on my possible future employers.

I’m also a little concerned that a random (and by that I mean currently has nothing to do with my studies) lecturer may have told her he’s concerned about me.  Not confident enough to confront them over this, but annoyed if he has.  He bumped into me while I was waiting for my tutor, asked how I was (I’m great) disappeared into elevator, only to be seen moments later launching himself at my tutor.  All I heard from their whispered transaction was, “well as long as all the support mechanisms are already in place.” (him to tutor).  OK maybe it had nothing to do with me at all, but he’s been a bit weird lately anyway and then I was down, then up and keep bumping into him.

Definately more up than down today.  Just a bit of tension now and then (probably tutor related), feeling a bit tired now.  Need to go to bed soon anyway.

Erm… yeah

I is uppity down.

Didn’t mean to worry anyone with the last post.  Really weird actually, I remember writing it, I remember posting it and I remember how wound up/tense and generally raahgle I felt. Struggling to fit it into the ‘timeline’ of my life.  Things are a little squiffy round here and I’m not really sure why.  I guess it’s just a case of keeping on going and hoping that it resolves itself sooner rather than later.  Haven’t been a particularly good girl with regards coping mechanisms, but nothing too serious.

I can’t however put anything in my pockets at the moment, since it catches and rubs.  Ended up ODing saturday night (first time since end of July, I thought I’d got that sorted).  Still my body doesn’t allow me to get anywhere near the levels it use to, so fortunately it was below the threshold where I’m likely to have done any damage.  At least it allowed  me to get some sleep saturday night.  Sunday was a complete write-off – not only did all the feelings and thoughts whip up into a frenzy again, but I also felt unwell because of the actions of Saturday.  Not only that the degus decided that they hated each other and spent the entire day trying fighting at a level I’ve never seen before.  Ended up taking Ankh out of the cage for a while to give them both a break from each other.  They seem nice of pie with each other at the moment.  Don’t know what caused it, what it was about or which was the instigator, but I was incredibly worried that I was going to have to separate them permanently.  As it is I’m keeping a close eye on them.  Boyfriend ended up in A&E yesterday as well – dislocated shoulder.  Still he got a day off work for it – I want a day off.

Panicing over my essay.  Really need that extension.  Finally managed to arrange to see me tutor (tomorrow).  And remember as far as she’s concerned “everything’s fine”.  Placement still not great.  Nurse who I cried in front of has gone on holiday.  Although actually had a nice chat with one of the people I felt particularly bullied by.

Everybody round here thinks that it’s all OK.  Actually that’s not quite true. Nearly everybody around here thinks I’m doing great.  Look  everybody – Differently’s UP.

Just wish I could get rid of this irritable, angsty angry, gnarly raaah feeling and preferably in a way that doesn’t involve hacking my own leg off in the process (and no – no way near that so don’t worry.)

I’m fine.  I’ll get through this.  I’ve got through this before.  I can get through it again.

PS Anybody want to write my essay for me, whilst I fight the demons in my head?

Aaargh

anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut.

Want to claw out of my own skin.  Want to get out of this feeling.  Can’t.  Can’t make it stop.  Can’t get relief.  No pain is enough.    Can’t.

anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut. anger. cut.

Another Day, Another Dollar…

Feel a bit more supported on placement.  Although I think it is dependent on which staff are on.  One of the nurses I was on today had know I’d been off sick and everything.  Ended up feeling forced into telling some of them about why I was off.  Technically shouldn’t have had to, although I’m sure my tutor will be really pleased, since she’s always having a go at me to tell them.  Ended up in tears yesterday.  Actually that isn’t unusual for this placement, however I wasn’t in the bathroom, rather I was crying in front of the nurse in charge.  Well after she’d told me to get a grip, since it was “only” depression and therefore not life threatening or anything, she was really nice about it.  I guess in the end it meant I got the support I needed.  I’m starting to feel a little more like a nurse again.

Finding just doing a shift exhausting though.  Really worried about this essay and I still haven’t heard back from my tutor.  I guess I should email her again.  She said I could get an extension, but if I don’t get it next week it’ll be too soon.  It’s due in the week after.  OK just sent email.  Just hope she isn’t deliberately ignoring me because she thinks I’m needy and deliberately bugging her.

Moodwise, I’m variable.  Spend most of the day on the verge of bursting into tears.  Having said that at times my thoughts are racing.

Blank

Blank mind.

Blank screen.

Not slipping, slipped

My study tutor told me to hold on for dear life and not allow myself to slip all the way down back into the depression.

But it’s too late.

Between last weeks ‘therapy’ session, the stress of academia, the anxiety-provoking placement….  Somewhere my mood has dropped.

Except, except – everybody says I seem so much happier.  The don’t see that it’s just sleep deprivation induced hyperactivity, it’s just anger and worry and me losing control, losing my grip on reality, losing everything.

Can’t write assignment.  Can’t get extension because that too takes too much work, is too involved a process.

And the nurse, the one nurse who’d know I’d been off, she said I’d lost weight.  OK she said that to someone else in the room too.  And I haven’t, not really, not much, only the mirtazapine induced weight.  Only, only, only…

Besides I’m better now.  Occupational Health said I was better.  They said I could go back to work.  Not that I’m sure I was ever ill – I think the placement is ill.  At least I had three weeks of not having to go there – can’t say I’m sorry about that.

Aimless rambling I’m afraid.  Aimless, like my life, like my mood.

But I’m not slipping, not slipping back down into depression.  Not slipping, because I’ve already slipped.

Please don’t make me go to work tomorrow…

I need another 3 weeks off, just to recover from today.

First day back and:

• 1 nurse and 1 student thought that I’d quit the course
• 1 nurse thought that they hadn’t seen me because I was still working nights
• the ward manager hadn’t even noticed I’d not been in
• still haven’t met my mentor despite being over half way through my placement – yes I may be “part time”, turns out she’s the other part… (and I won’t be meeting her this week either, since she’s off again)

And this was despite my meticulous insistence of keeping them posted.  Turns out “I’ll put a note in the diary,” translates as, “I’ll hang up the phone and tell no-one.”

I was hoping that the greater excess of my placement problems were mood related, turns out that the greater excess of my bad moods were placement-related.  It’s kinda hard to fit into a team when there is no team.  Have no chance of meeting my outcomes.  Have no chance of getting through a day without pissing at least one person off.

So I’m back in the situation I was hoping was in my imagination.

Ended up spending my entire hour with my study tutor talking through what I was going to do about it.  Which is helpful.  Apparently as well as I think I hide how I’m feeling, it is that obvious when I feel like cr@p.  But my essay.  My essay was already being neglected – it’s due in under 2 weeks, I’ve done less than 10% of it and that’s only because I see a study study tutor each week and do some work then.  Trying to find the motivation to get it done.  Trying to find the motivation to care.

Back on placement…

… and walked straight back into the situation I was trying to get out of three weeks ago… Don’t. Want. To. Go. Back.