Just wondering…

…if anyone knows anything about this:

It’s Agomelatine.  It’s a new antidepressant which if research trials are to be believed is at least as effective as prozac was what it first came out.

Works on melatonin receptors rather than seratonin.  I’m quite intrigued.

It was only licensed for use if the EU in February, so I’m expecting that soon all the cool psychs will be prescribing it.

In completely unrelated news, my mood is fine.  After becoming a little high last week, then me getting drunk and embarrassing myself again (people are going to stop asking me out since it usually all ends in tears, and they’re usually mine).  Been feeling fairly well balanced, stable and seem to have found the middle ground.  (I’m choosing to ignore anything which could indicate anything contrary to this).

Trying to get essay written.  Trying to start dissertation.  Starting to panic about going back on placement.  Deep down I know it’ll be fine, just worried that everything will come collapsing down around me like a house of cards.  I’m starting to wonder if changing to the degree was such a good idea, and I still haven’t had any news from the NHS bursary people either (they stopped paying 2 months ago).

Anyway a good shrug and a healthy dose of denial cures all woes.

 

 

Sometimes my friends are amazing.

Last friday I was convinced that my best friend hated me.  Last night she phoned and asked about the course.  She came with me and met me before I went to Occy Health, she waited outside for me while I went in, and she helped sort it all out for me in the aftermath.

The decision has been put back a week.  Apparently they hadn’t received the referral form from my tutor and she didn’t want to make a decision of ‘hearsay’ – this was good given that my slightly paranoid thoughts had manage to chinese whisper themselves into full-blown psychosis requiring the immediate attention of the duty psychiatrist at A&E.  She also said that she wanted to talk to my psych and GP before she made any decisions – so I directed her towards the last GP I saw – I really don’t see the point in talking to someone I haven’t seen since August, kinda got the impression she thought I was doing this for nefarious reasons, but really my last three consults have been with the same GP, so I just thought talking her would make sense (besides they work as a team so it’s hardly like they don’t have full access to my notes anyway, so I don’t know what she thought I’d achieve).  Actually she then decided that talking to my shrink would be far more helpful – the women is obsessed with job titles, of all the people involved in my ‘care’ shrink is the one who knows me the least and if we’re honest probably still thinks I’m on mirtazapine.  I just hope she doesn’t say anything to bugger up my chances of returning.

Anyway, on my friend’s advice went to see my tutor (she came with me), and I’m feeling a lot happier.  My tutor phoned me later to say that she’d talked with Occy Health and that they were both hopeful I’d be able to return to placement after our next meeting.  So I’m choosing to view the next week as a holiday.  In a way it’ll be quite nice (we have next week off anyway, so it’s only an extra three days off).  Just hope that it isn’t blighted be anxiety.

But mainly focusing on the fact that if my friend hadn’t been there, then I’d never have had the courage to seek out my tutor, and so I’d still be annoyed with her for not sending the referral (apparently she’d sent it to someone who wasn’t working that day), and I’d still be in evil limbo, whereas I’m only in partial limbo.

Everything will be alright, right?

And seeing my tutor was supposed to reduce stress…

D-day tomorrow with Occy Health.

After the last post I went into ultra rapid crazy mood time (bouncy up in the mornings and catatonically down in the late-afternoon/evenings).  Got to the point where I starting to wonder if somebody had dosed the drinking water with SSRIs.

Sleep has been variable as high as 12-14 hours some nights, 4-5 others, and only managed a dismal 2-4 hours sleep last night.

GP appointment was as productive as I suspected.  Although I’m glad that at least I entertained her (yes she actually told me that).  She said I seemed to be taking the career suicide well (hmm yes, either that or I’ve completely flipped).

Anxiety about tomorrow hit in this evening and this mixed with the sleep deprivation, a headache and currently flaring IBS (yes I know it’s a stress related condition so it would, wouldn’t it?) – has left me feeling mightily sick.  Should go to bed, but not really sure I can face another night caught with only my thoughts.

It’s absolutely ridiculous – I went to my tutor for help, and now the episode has subsided greatly only to be replaced by self-inflicted stress.  I can’t see how this is supposed to be good for me or my mental health.

And I really don’t want to get kicked out of uni.  (According to my tutor it is a very real possibility, and I can’t help thinking that having talked with them this week that this is what they are hoping for).

Double Meh…

Good mood (though slightly dinted during panto auditions when I became convinced that others were laughing at me (still don’t know if they were or I’m being a little over-sensitive)) lasted until this evening before plummeting brick-like.

Now what am I supposed to do – wait for another upswing?

Differently Feels Much Better Again…

….And is somewhat slightly suspicious of this fact.

At first I thought it was just anxiety that was giving me all this extra energy – I was supposed to phone my personal tutor today to see if I can go to lectures tomorrow.  Having said that I tried – multiple times – and she didn’t pick up so she’s either off, or out of the office.  Any way figured I’d just risk going in – what’s the worst that can happen?

Also had another appointment with my study tutor (see the help that gets lavished on you when the university realises that your mental).  Was actually quite productive as I was panicking a bit about this essay and the dissertation I have to write.  We managed to send off a couple of emails that needed sending and come up with a plan.  Even managed to find a useful journal article or two.

I also have auditions tonight at the local drama groups, which I guess could cause some nerves – not to mentioned I’m a bit excited since I haven’t been for a couple of months so it’ll be nice to see the people again.

It could also be that I’ve been spending 12-14 hours in bed each day, which means that even though my sleep is still pretty rubbish, I must be getting a fair amount.  Having said that I still feel exhausted, but maybe my good mood is all about the restorative influence of sleep?

Thoughts are still misfiring, overfiring etc and I’ve had a headache for the past several days – so maybe it’s the pain pills I’ve been popping.

Or maybe it’s the fact that I’ve been being triggered to OD and some part of me thinks it imminent.  Or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t ODed – see I’m practically a model of good mental health.

Or maybe this is a continuation of the fantastic mood I was in last monday – postponed slightly be the whole committing career suicide thing?

Or maybe the upstairs neighbour’s musical version of chinese water torture has finally led to a full and complete break-down and I just haven’t realised it yet?

Ah well who cares.  My IBS is flairing, I have a stinking headache, I can’t concentrate to write my essay, I find out a week tomorrow if I even have a career, but I feel good.

I knew that the concept behind MH Services seemed familiar…

Indeciveness

I don’t know what I want anymore.  Hell the simplest of decisions is currently beyond me.  It kinda feels like I’ve lost some higher brain function, which is ridiculous given that I’m typing this, so evidently it is intact.  Just don’t ask me to do any mental arithmetic, or chose between tea and coffee or well ask my opinion on anything since you may end up waiting several hours/days for an answer.

I’m struggling with something rather strange at the moment.  I’m struggling with the fact that I’m not sure if I want to die.  Yeah I know, sounds quite positive, sounds like progress.  But I’m not sure it is.  Because I’ve felt this bad before, hell I’ve felt less bad and been ready to jack everything in and call it a day before.  So what’s different?  The fact that I don’t even care enough about the pain to want it to end?  The fact that I can’t even get angry enough at life to what to do something to spite it?  The fact that even death seems pointless right now?  The fact that I know I’m too tired to do it properly anyway.

Ah well this post is getting pointless.  So just know that when I rule the world I’m installing a pause button…

Am I Selfish?

Been thinking about where I’m headed in life.

I can’t help but wonder if I am being selfish wanting to become a nurse.  I’m not very good at it – certainly there are plenty of people better.  I suck with people and the chances are sooner or later I’m going to do something (or not do something) which is going to end up hurting someone.  Be it a medication error because I have no concentration, or missing something because I’m too tired to function.  So far I’ve been fairly cosseted from causing too much harm by the student nurse status, but at some point if I continue training I’ll qualify.  Should I really be attempting this, when there are days when I’m watching the clock tick second be second, just waiting to get back home?  Should I be making myself responsible for other peoples’ lives when I can’t even look after myself?  Do I make the system worse for being there?

When I first applied to do the course, I wasn’t really expecting to live to see the end of it – not really.  Then at times, with the confidence soaring I thought “Yes I can do this.”  But can I?  And if I’m so unsure, should I even be trying?  But if I don’t what should I do instead?

A few weeks ago, when I first started this placement, as was ready there and then to run a million miles away.  And now I’m not in placement, all I feel is relief and I’m terrified of having to return.  I have essays and dissertations to write, I can’t think straight, and if I can’t cope now then what’s going to happen when/if I’m a staff nurse?

Or is this just the depression talking?  And if it is am I going to suffer crises of confidence on a regular basis for the rest of my life?  And if I am doesn’t that also mean that I’m going to suck at my job?

Not much happening on the homefront

At least not being on placement means that I can spend 12-14 hours a day in bed.

Whilst not in bed I’m working my way through House Season 5 on DVD.

I have a headache, can’t think straight and I’m starting to wonder if the anti-depressants have done some kind of brain damage.  My attempts to describe what is happening aren’t happening.  Struggling to answer even simple questions.  Also struggling to remember things like the day of the week – spent most of today thinking it was monday.

And around we go again…

Good mood last until last evening.  May have had something to do with the beer that I drank, since it dropped around the same time.  May just have been exhaustion setting in.

Saw my tutor today, she’s taken me out of placement – hopefully it’ll only be for a couple of weeks, so that I can get my head together (although I have to go and see Occy Health again so we shall see).  I guess that the fact that I’m relieved more than anything else by this is probably a bad sign.  Although I don’t really have anyone else to blame, since I guess I knew that would be the outcome when I sent the email.  Does also mean they’ll be no cancelling of GP appointment.

Tutor suggested I went to the hospital – at first I thought she meant to go and explain to placement why I wasn’t going to be there.  Turns out she meant to go to A&E, although I’m not that bad and have no idea what gave her the impression I was (I may not be great at the moment but I’m definitely better than I was last week – there’s been spontaneous facial expressions and the smallest glimmer of a sense of humour and everything).  Starting to wonder if somebody else has told her something about the things I do to myself.  Also a little perturbed by some of the stuff written on the contact sheet – makes me sound like some kind of crazy person or something.

And now I’m wondering if I orchestrated the whole thing just to score some time off.  Or if I’m only depressed because I’m wallowing in self-pity.  Or if I really did the right thing, because I’m going to be pissed off if I’ve buggered up my career so close to completing the course.

At least I get to have a lie-in tomorrow…

Differently